Dads & Child Custody in Divorce

How often do we see dads getting custody of their children in divorce cases?  Statistically, I think it’s less than 10%, and those cases in which the father IS awarded custody, many involve some sort of drug abuse or violence by the mother.

Because the percentages are so one-sided for mothers getting custody that the general view is that most dads do not want custody.  This is especially true when you have so many divorced mothers blogging about their “no-good-for-nothing” exes.  Don’t get me wrong, I know there are deadbeat dads who want nothing to do with their children and these guys deserve everything the system or blogosphere throws at them.

But isn’t there more to the dad/child custody dynamic than fathers who’ve walked away from their children and responsibility?  How many fathers are shut out from the lives of their children or relegated to a standard visitation by a system that still favors the mother.  Despite all the progress that’s been made by the feminist movement, the family court system still seems woefully stuck in the view that women just by the nature of their gender are better caregivers than men.

I have had custody of my son since he was 2 years old.  When the whole divorce process started, I figured my getting custody was almost a “no brainer” due to circumstances of my situation.  Everyone around me thought the same thing.  Never would I have imagined in a million years that the process would be what it actually turned out to be.  The end result was that I got custody but the actual process truly opened my eyes to how biased the system seems to be against the father.

Even things I thought would be a positive in my favor (eg. I had a successful career with many years of consistent employment history) was somehow viewed as an argument against custody.

But aside from that, every lie that was thrown about in endless motions was something I had to disprove…how do you disprove a lie?  A common tactic in custody cases seems to be for the other side to make accusations of drug abuse.  And this was the case here.  I spent 2 years doing urine, blood, and hair follicle tests to disprove an accusation that was made without any sort of proof.

We also went through a custody evaluation.  Many interviews with the evaluator and MMPI tests.  I took the MMPI test and “passed” without any serious issues.  The mother took 3 MMPI and the results were all “invalid” for one reason or another.  She was allowed to retake the test until the results finally came back “normal”.

Just the cost for the custody evaluation ran into five figures, which I was ordered to pay.  The total cost of the divorce easily ran into six figures.

When the process allows what seems like an endless number of opportunities for the mother (with the father generally having to bear the costs), how many fathers can afford to continue the fight?  It seems the mother is naturally assumed to be fit for custody while the father has to prove fitness every step of the way.  And in a divorce, each step seems to run into thousands of dollars.

I don’t know if things will ever change.  There are more father’s rights groups popping up and attorneys who specialize in reprsenting fathers in divorce cases.  But until the system comes to view fathers on equal footing as mothers in fitness for custody, its a fight most fathers will not be able to carry on for a protracted period of time.

What I do know is that I would have and almost did spend every dime I had for custody because I knew in my heart that it was in my son’s best interest for me to have custody.

So all you dads out there going through a divorce, hang in there for the sake of your children and realize custody of your children is the fight of your lives…